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These Things
These things I do not know
Yet I know
Beyond Me
Help Me
Mind, be still....
You say,Father: “Be still, and know that I am God;I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”.Psalm 46:10Well, there are many verses in your Word that I can quote religiously. There are many declarations I can make based on your Word. For many of those inspiring quotes, it is easier to quote or declare than to have the required faith to back what has been declared. This brings me back to the verse above: I think it is almost impossible for me as a human(I won't talk for others) to stay still in the face of trouble or, as it applies to me, in the midst of many thoughts bombarding my head at the same time. Try as I can not to worry, i always end up doing so. It is easier to take the decision to worry than to take the decision not to worry. Isn't that strange? I know this would make me look like I am just not strong enough spiritually but it is the truth. I am so eager to know what you have in store for me...to have a glimpse of what the future holds...to know If I will eventually become that man that you so earnestly want me to be...to know whether I won't disappoint those who look up to me...worries, worries, worries...
Yet you always refer me back to your Word: "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" Matthew 6:34.
It's not easy, Father! I want to be able to plan for the future!!! Hmmmm, ok, I get what you're saying now...planning for the future is different from worrying about the future...hmmm...well, there seems to be a thin line between worrying and planning. I think what I tend to do is plan and dwell on the plan till it turns to worry...Lord, help meee!!! I want to be able to take my troubles one day at a time!! Worry is an attack from the Bad One. I get it now..for some of us, the Bad One has learnt to attack us in the most innocuous way. He tries to distract me all the time with the little things...all while I'm watching out for attacks on the big things. So, in essence, he still gets to eat away slowly at my faith...in tiny bits...because if I have real faith, I will know that the things that bother me are slowly eroding my physical and spiritual health. “
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Matthew 6:25.
Dear Father, well...I have said already that I hardly worry about these things mentioned in this verse. Oh ok, I get it now, worrying about my sustenance is the same thing as worrying about what the future holds...hmmm, true!! I cannot even predict what will happen the next second!!!I should simply relax, I know...I should even learn from MY past...I could never have predicted that I would be where I am today. My past does not look anything like my present and my present was the future of my past!I have gone through a lot of rough times but you still brought me through!! I am still standing!! Father, all I want now is to gain your mercy to give me the grace of a calm mind..help me de-clutter my mind...give me peace beyond my understanding. Chase away those voices that tell my mind all those negative things....I want to be able to show in the near future that I put all my thoughts that burdened me on you and you sorted me out...I want people to see the peace you will give me and yearn for it...It was a nice conversation again, Father...
The Knower
Lord, help remind me everyday that no act of injustice will ever go unpunished. It is injustice to You to disobey your commandments. Help keep the 'knower' in me alive. My knower that tells me whether I have pleased you with my acts or not. Help me protect it from getting numb such as to deaden my conscience-that this world has redefined values but your values remain constant.
My Sunday Best
You know why I’m never excited about going to church? I never feel comfortable there! It’s either the church ‘faithfuls’ who were privileged to meet Christ before me always make me feel like I’m on the lower rungs of this faith ladder; like they pity me for meeting Christ this late. Sometimes, it’s that occasional furtive glance I get when I turn up in church looking like a “sinner”-I decided to wear jeans today instead of donning my “Sunday Best”. Pardon my abysmal ignorance about things of the spirit, but why must Sunday be my best day? Why must I behave differently on Sunday when all week long I’ve been my ‘normal’ self? I want to be normal on Sunday too. I don’t want to have to conform to the Sunday kind of dressing. Ok, If I sing to you while I’m wearing jeans, will it make you less delighted that I’m at least trying to praise you?Well, it's not just about the garb. What I know is that most of these judgmental folks simply put on their "Sunday Best" behaviour, but as soon as they get home, they remember they haven't battered the house-maid or, well, lashed out at their spouses. Going by what I just said, "Sunday Best" isn't apt, is it? The "best" never lasts till Sunday evening. So, what should the appropriate term be? "Church Best"? Why are most of your children nowadays only at their best inside your house, Father? Why do they switch to their other personalities outside the house? Is this some sort of multiple personality disorder? Is this a sign that they do not feel free around the house? Didn't you tell me the other time that all your children should be free around you and with you? I want to behave the same way all week long! I want to put on my Sunday Best all week long. I'm no chameleon!
On Reciprocation
Father, I need to share my thoughts with you again. I know you are not tired of hearing my sometimes-silly views about life and my thoughts about you. I want to share what's on my mind right now since you first raised them in our previous discussion:I agree, when i was a child, all I knew was that there was a Father (nicer than my biological father) whose job it was to care and provide for too many people. I quickly accepted that(you) as a fact. Well, that fact went the way of many other 'facts' of my life-I took it for granted.
Come to think of it, isn't it a fact that ALL children take for granted the fact that their parents have no choice but to provide for them? Isn't it a fact that all children think it is abominable to have parents who don't look after them? Won't that be seen as the height of irresponsibility?
The other day, you made me notice the fact that the relationship between parents and children tend to be very one-sided. Now that I think of it, I know parents care and provide for us children for the better parts of their(parents')lives but we children find it very hard to cater for them when it our turn to do so. Isn't it a fact you parents cater for us because we can't do Nada by ourselves? I really find it ironic that we find it hard to reciprocate that gesture when you parents become old and can't do much by yourselves. Not that you're that kind of parent anyway...
Truly, we children see that task as a daunting one and we would gladly welcome anything or anyone who could take up that responsibility on our behalf. Isn't that why, in more 'civilised' societies, old people are sent to do 'time' in care homes and nursing homes? What If you parents had done that to us when we were but helpless?
This brings me to my point, Father(more like your point though): When i was young and without any knowledge whatsoever, you cared and provided for me. You overlooked my many transgressions. You took time to seek me out and you trained me to be wise, so as to bring out the very best in me. Now that I can think and cater for myself, the worst has happened-I have unconsciously grown to think that I can do a lot without you. Whilst independence is not a bad thing in itself, it has affected my relationship with you; the relationship has become one-sided.
You've been trying to tell me that you need me to seek after things you seek after,to know your thoughts and to share ideas with you on how I could be of use to myself and to others around me who need help. That really sounded complicated to me when you first mentioned it but now I have an idea of what you were getting at. You can't blame me from running away from this complicated task though; I need to help myself first!
I know, Father, I know. It's ironic that I turn to you when I need you to do something for me but I seem to forget to reciprocate when you need me to do something for you. I know it's also funny that whenever I notice any distance between us, I turn to third parties to help me talk to you when I need help. Your collared friend is a third party truly but he's been of great assistance in the past so I do not balk to turn to him! You keep telling me though, that I need not go to him to get to you. We are of the same blood, you have made me understand that and I ought to be talking to you directly, especially about my personal matters. I know, I know, Father-it's warped thinking to think that doing favours for your collared friend should automatically nudge you into granting my wishes...
I wonder why I've not thought of the fact that what you need me to do for you is actually for my own benefit? I mean, getting closer to you is what you desire and it sure makes you glad when I go out of my way to do so. I wonder If what you said is true-that even If I don't get close to you, it won't change who and what you are and won't make your love for me wane? Deep down in my heart, I know this is undeniable truth! I know that even if i don't get close to you, your other children will, and that should really make me jealous, right? I've thought hard about all these points you raised and I'm ready to make amends. It's always refreshing whenever I talk to you...I look forward to more of our man-to-man talks. Thanks, Father...
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